This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
