Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
