I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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