I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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