I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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