Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
