My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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