Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
