She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
