do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
