Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
