I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
