I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
