You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
