I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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