6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
