I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.