Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
