Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
