new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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