I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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