My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize