just come out here and I will go home with you...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
