Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
