i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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