I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
