There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
