I want to stick my p in your. b.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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