Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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