Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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