Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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