The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
