I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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