I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
