i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
