Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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