apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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