his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
