My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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