we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
