I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
