her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
