mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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