I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
