Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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