I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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