I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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