apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
