you didnt know i had herpes?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
