In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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